This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
