Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
