remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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