Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
