Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
