Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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