i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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