that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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