when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
