made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
