You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
