I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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