Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
