Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
