Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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