I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
