Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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