I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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