my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
