u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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