I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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