Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
