Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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