I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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