Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
