Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
