I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I got inside last night via doggy door
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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