You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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