No stitches, just platelets and will power
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
