he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
