heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
