i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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