I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
