Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
