New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Randomize
