Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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