I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
