She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
