Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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