yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
