we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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