He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
