Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
