I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
