look no pants
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
