I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
