so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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