Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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