This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
