if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
