Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
