his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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