"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
