I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
